THIS IS WHERE YOU LIVE

Jack Cade’s Caves by Ian McQuaid

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My former flatmate just came back from Climate Camp where he sat around with other hippies and communicated with hand gestures they had learnt from a book. They had special ways of saying hello and I agree and I strongly agree and I strongly disagree which apparently sped the decision making process up, although I suspect it might simply have made them look like the cunts I suspect everyone is that isn’t me.

I’m pretty sure none of them knew as much about history as I do, probably.

I knew that while they were bleating away about the end of the world on Blackheath there was a series of secret caves lying under their sandeled feet. These caverns are called Jack Cade’s caverns. Jack Cade was a revolutionary from a date I cant remember ago who came up from Kent and rattled his sword on the London Stone which is a filthy pebble in Guildhall and said Now London is FREE and fought a massive battle on London Bridge. He’s dead now, they had him hung, drawn and quartered. But before he did the stone knocking business he hid out in these caves outside London where he worshipped Satan although the only people that really think that last bit are internet specials who think the world will end in 2012 with Boris Johnson shitting Tesla lizards out of the Queens Jewish cock.

Anyway, after Jack Cade fucked up, the caves disappeared until they were found by accident and opened them to the public in 1777 and people came from far and wide to see them. Until the stinking gases of an old fashioned world rose up and killed, yes killed, a person. So the caves were closed down again until some Victorian wag decided to stick a bellows in to suck out the shitty air, stick a chandelier up and build a bar in the corner. Then all the Victorians came and danced and for a while it was all good, but then as usually happens it all got A LITTLE OUT OF HAND and tales of morality free wantoness abounded and Victorians who only liked sexy time if it was being done by a wog or a 12 year old boy decided to close down the caves.

And then they were opened for a week in the 1940s when the government thought they might hide people down there from Nazis, but then didn’t.

And that time when they opened them is when they found the devil paintings on the wall, which is why mentalists think Jack Cade worshipped Satan, but about 23 other people could have painted that so I say he didn’t.

And then the caves were finally and properly closed up and know no one knows where they are really although holes open up in Shooters Hill sometimes and if all the Climate Camp people had known about history as well as me they could have started fucking digging and then they could have had an eco cave for themselves to live in.

You can check all this on the internet.

A SINKHOLE IN BLACKHEATH